The stirring

I didn’t expect a trip to Alaska to shift something deep inside me—but it did.

I went for the beauty, the break, the adventure. Time well spent with Michael’s family. 

And I found all of that plus towering glaciers. Still, mirror-like waters. Orcas dancing through the ocean. Sky that stretched on like forever. It was breathtaking. But what surprised me most wasn’t what I saw around me…it was what started to stir within me.

Somewhere between the stillness of the ice and the humbling scale of the mountains, something opened. Something long-quiet began to speak. Not loudly but just enough to catch my attention. Enough to make me pause and feel. Enough to make me ask questions I didn’t know I still needed answers to.

And when I came home, I couldn’t go back to sleep. Not spiritually, not emotionally. I found myself drawn into this unexpected path of discovery—not just of ideas or knowledge, but of me.

Books found me—like The Body Keeps the Score. So did voices—like Peter Crone’s. They gave language to things I’ve felt my whole life. The truth is, I’ve spent a long time believing I was just “emotional” or “overreacting” or “too much.” But I’m starting to see now—I was responding. I was surviving. And my body and brain were doing the best they could with what they had.

It’s strange and beautiful to look back and say: I understand why I did what I did. I’m not excusing it—but I am offering grace. Because I see now that healing didn’t just start before Michael. It was already in motion. But loving him, and being loved by him, made the healing safe. And oh how safe I was with him  I miss it and him so much. 

And now, even in the grief, something deeper is happening. A becoming. A realization that I am not who I used to be—and maybe I never was.  I’m a woman learning to see clearly since Michael went to heaven.

This awakening—this stirring—isn’t just for me. I believe it’s part of something bigger. Something God-ordained. Something providential. And for the first time in a long time, I feel clarity. I feel excitement. I feel hope.

Not because life is easy.

But because I finally feel like me after losing Michael. I have hated this time without him yet I am thankful for all God is showing me. It’s a stirring and one I can’t wait to see how God uses it. 

I miss Michael so very much. And learning to live without him is so hard. But I can do hard things. I have been doing hard things. And with God all things are possible.