God or god

When Michael was first diagnosed with stage 4 adenocarcinoma with Mets to his bones, I was devastated. 

I spent most of my life chasing after love. The song looking for love in all the wrong places was my theme song. I wanted a love that completed me, the love that my heart yearned for but was never satisfied. Just like the woman at the well. So I chased it like the water was going to run dry. So many wrong choices led me down roads I should have never walked.

Until,

I spent time with my wounds, until I spent time in the pain inflicted on me and in the pain I inflicted on myself. Spending time allowing God to show me His love, spending time with my spirit filled counselors, and allowing God to heal my yearning yet broken heart was I able to finally find freedom. 

Then,

God gave me Michael. The man who loves me as Christ loves the church. The man who saw me, loved me for exactly who I was, and meant to be. This love was everything my heart yearned for, the full and complete desire of my heart. The one true love that I never thought I would experience this side of heaven. Yet God gave me that with Michael. He is truly a foundation for me and our family. He became my Miracle! 

When he was diagnosed, I was so angry. How could a good loving God allow this to be part of our story? After all the pain I went through to receive this wonderful gift/reward to be given such a terminal diagnosis. This man and his character, the man who so many look up too, why him? Why now? It was a difficult time in the beginning working through all those questions, those doubts, and even all that anger. One day, I heard this in my mind, “if something happened to Michael, am I enough?” I stopped in my tracks. I struggled with that question. God had given me my hearts desire my miracle but had I elevated him and our relationship over God? I knew the correct answer deep in my heart and knew I had to keep the proper order. 

CS LEWIS said, 

Put first things first and we get second things thrown in: put second things first & we lose both first and second things.

In other words I need to keep God first then Michael and I get first and second things but if I keep second things (Michael) first I lose first and second things. This was “pivot” moment for me. I knew that if I lost it all, God is enough.  Michael’s love for me so mirrors the love that Christ has for me…but with Michael it’s tangible. I can touch him, feel him, smell him, see him sitting across from me. Yet he’s not God. I had to make sure Michael and our relationship wasn’t my god. There is only room for ONE. I surely didn’t want me to be the delay in Michael receiving his healing. 

Now,

Nineteen months after his diagnosis we’ve been hit with medication no longer working and new treatment plans. Changes to our life as we know it and changes to how we walk forward into our future. I can say it was not expected nor is it wanted. This was not supposed to be part of our story. Yet here we are. So, I am walking into this next season FULL of peace knowing that God is first and is enough. That God has Michael, our family and me. That as we enjoy life, taking nothing for granted, and knowing how blessed I am for the last 13 years of my life experiencing the earthly love I have from Michael…That leaves me so grateful I have experienced it this side of heaven. 

Next,

Waiting on God… full of peace, promise, and protection for myself, Michael and our beautiful family. Waiting on my miracle again! God is faithful and I trust Him with our future. His LOVE never fails. 

Oh what great adventures we will have while we wait on God to heal Michael. As Michael has told me a million times, “everything is going to be alright”. (Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us).

“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3‬:‭14‬-‭21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬