The day before you left…

 The day before you left… 

I remember this day so clearly…

I couldn’t leave the bed. I just laid there beside you…holding your hand, kissing your forehead, soaking in every second I could. It felt like you had one foot on earth and one foot in heaven. Deep down, I think I knew the end was near. But I wasn’t ready.

I remember playing movie after movie, not really watching. Just being with you. Hoping. Praying. Clinging to the thought that maybe God would heal you here. But I also knew…if you got even a glimpse of heaven, you wouldn’t come back. And as much as I miss you, I’m so thankful you’re not in pain anymore. That you are whole. That cancer doesn’t touch you now.

Grief has a way of changing everything. A year later, I’m still trying to figure out who I am without you, how to carry on the life we dreamed of together. So much has changed. Friendships. Family dynamics. But there’s been beauty in it too…our families drawing closer, loving deeper.

This weekend I heard a quote from Stephen Furtick: “You have to trust God without the details.” And it spoke right to my soul. Because for so long, I had a clear picture of our future, what we’d do in ministry, how we’d serve, the life we were building. Now, that picture looks so different.

Even though I love my job and where I live, I want to do more. I want to live in a way that shows others the goodness of God…even in grief. Even in loss. I want to be a light. A witness.

Michael always told me, “God’s not going to give you the full plan just the next step.” I never liked that… but he was right. He was always so wise.

So today, I’m trusting the One who holds it all. And missing you every step of the way. 

I love you Michael… forever and always 

364 days without you still seems so unreal. 💔