Carried

As I reflect on the past  361 days without Michael, I’ve reflected on just how difficult it has been. There were moments when the pain was so heavy, I didn’t know how I could keep going. There were times I couldn’t even bring myself to go home…it felt too empty, too broken. Some days were so dark, then there were days I just wanted to lay on his side of bed for hours. Some days I don’t know how I made it through.

But deep down, I do know how. God carried me  

It was in those moments when I couldn’t walk another step, when all I could do was cry and ache from missing him, that I wasn’t alone. God was with me. He never left me. He carried me when I couldn’t carry myself. Even though I don’t always understand God’s plan or why Michael had to be taken so soon especially when we had so many dreams for our future…I trust that God was, and still is, with me.

And I am blessed. Truly blessed beyond measure. I may not know what God has planned for my future, or how He’ll use this heartbreak, but I want to be faithful, I trust Him even though I don’t have the details. I want to be open. I want to see the purpose that comes from this pain. I want to see the goodness. 

Grief isn’t something you can just shake off. It’s not a burden you simply leave behind. When you lose someone as special, as deeply loved, as Michael was—when your children lose a father like him—it’s not something you bounce back from easily. But I hold onto the promise that when I feel overwhelmed by the waves of grief… when a memory, a photo, or a scent catches me off guard… I won’t be consumed. God will continue to carry me.

Oh, how I miss you, Michael.

And oh, how you loved me.

But God… God loves me even more. And as hard as that is to grasp sometimes, I believe it. I trust it.

#circa2013 #iloveyouforeverandalways