365 Days Without You

 365 Days Without You—But Never Without God

It’s amazing how fast time flies. I still can’t quite believe it’s been a whole year—365 days—since you’ve been gone. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Other days, it feels like a lifetime. Grief is strange like that. It doesn’t follow rules or timelines. It just comes…in waves of tears, in quiet anger, in whispered questions that echo deep inside.

The loss of you, Michael, has been devastating. There have been moments this year when the pain felt unbearable… when the house was too quiet, when the memories were too loud, when my heart felt too heavy. I’ve cried more tears this year than I think I have in my whole life. And I’ve cried in front of people, something I hate to do. But in every single moment of those tears, God was there. I know He was. Holding me close. Carrying me when I couldn’t stand. Whispering hope when the silence threatened to swallow me.

But here’s what’s also true: this year, even in the brokenness, there’s been light. There’s been joy. There’ve been weddings and new memories made…beautiful, sacred reminders that life still moves, still blooms, even in sorrow. And in the quiet, I realized something: this is the first time in my adult life I haven’t been taking care of someone who lives in my house. No children needing me in the middle of the night. No husband to tend to. Just me. And that, in itself, is its own kind of loss.

Because nurturing… it’s who I am. It’s what I’ve done. It’s how I’ve loved. And letting go of that daily role…of that identity…has left me feeling both empty and exposed. But also brave. Because I survived it. I made it through 365 days in a space I never imagined I’d be. And I didn’t do it alone. God walked with me every step.

Now I’m learning to let go of expectations…the ones I put on myself, the ones grief tries to trap me with. I’m surrendering my need for control. I’m asking God not just why, but what now. And I’m trusting that He will lead me step by step, breath by breath into the purpose He still has for me. Because I know He’s not finished with my story.

Michael was a gift…one of the greatest ones I’ve ever been given. He loved me so fully, so beautifully, the way Christ calls husbands to love. And through him, I got to experience a taste of the divine. I will forever be grateful for that kind of love. But more than that, I’m grateful for the Giver of all good things.

Jesus is still the greatest gift. And because of Him, I can keep going. Because of Him, I have hope. Because of Him, I know I’ll see Michael again. Until then, I’ll keep living…honoring the love we shared, letting God shape what comes next.

So I’m buckling up, Lord. I’m ready. I trust You even though I don’t know the details.  Thank You for never letting go of me.

I miss you, I love you Michael forever and always.