Valentine’s Day without you

 My first Valentine’s Day without you…

My heart feels caught between two places—between holding on and letting go, between sorrow and gratitude. My whole life feels like it’s being lived in the in-between right now.

Even in the depths of grief, I keep lifting my face toward heaven, searching for meaning, searching for the goodness that can come from losing you.

There are things in this life I may never understand. All I can do is trust—sometimes blindly, sometimes with the smallest flicker of faith—that God is still good. I’ve seen His goodness, I’ve experienced it, and yet this in-between doesn’t feel good at all.

There have been moments of joy, but they are always laced with longing. I miss you in the quiet moments and in the loud ones, in the little things and the big ones. I miss your touch, your voice calling me beautiful, the way you made even the ordinary feel extraordinary.

Grief comes in waves, and sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. But I look for you—in the stars, in the wind, in the song that takes me right back to you. I find you in the beauty of God’s creation, in the whispers of memories that refuse to fade.

I think you would be proud of me. At least, I hope you are. Who knew living without you would be this hard? I’ve had to make difficult choices without your wisdom, seeking God and wise counsel, but still longing for your voice beside me.

I will carry you with me always. Every detail, every memory, every laugh, every prayer—we are woven together forever. Loving you was one of the greatest blessings of my life, and being loved by you was an even greater gift.

You are my greatest love story. Happy Heavenly Valentines Day honey. I am sure it’s beautiful in heaven. 

I love you, Michael. Forever and always.