Beauty

You know life seems to be so confusing. I try so hard to be grounded and rooted in God. I try so very hard.  Some days are so very converse and confusing since losing Michael. I try so hard to not focus on the negative but the positive as not to discourage anyone. But some days all I want to do is doubt. Which is hard for me because I have seen all that God has done. So it’s hard to really doubt. Which always brings me back to God is so good. And if it’s not good then God isn’t finished yet. That’s all I can cling too in moments like tonight. So what if I am wrong. What if what I feel in my soul is wrong. Is it so bad to believe in good? I would rather believe in the good and right then believe anything else that is inferior or contrary. I sit in the inbetween of truly knowing and trusting what I believe in my heart. Such a hard place to be. But I will trust and I believe in a God that is good. And He will work ALL things to my good. Even those things I question. Even in those things I want to be indifferent and believe. God is so very good. 

I just wrestle. I learned a lot through my Relationship with Michael. I just feel like there was so much left to learn. I know God hates death. But I am often confused about why now. Why Michael. That is my first early response. But I do trust the Lord and His goodness. So I know He has a bigger plan than I know or see. I trust that. But the going through that is so very hard. Once you ever experience the goodness and the all as it should ever be on this earth it’s hard to let go. I don’t know that I ever will.

I love you forever and always Michael.