Sunsets and Rainbows

It’s 6:33 pm in Hawaii, August 24th. I’m sitting on grass by a lagoon watching the sun set into the Pacific ocean. I hear laughter, children screaming with delight, and the faint song of “I can’t help falling in love” playing in the distance. I feel a cool breeze and peace that rests on you like a heavy weighted blanket. 

I’m reading a romcom and have to put it down every few seconds to check on the progress of the setting sun. I stopped reading them for a while because they all ended happily. And why should all of them get their happy ending when I wasn’t getting mine. Counter productive I know. I’ve just recently been able to start reading again. I have missed it. 

I have so many questions and so little answers. And honestly I don’t know that I ever will have my answers. And I know one day when I get to heaven I will have them  

There was a memory today that reminded me of Michael’s infectious laugh. My heart longed for a moment to hear it and then I smiled at the memory.  I didn’t stay sad in that moment. I teared up a little then remembered how much he made me laugh. Earlier today I swear I heard him say, “hey beautiful”. It stopped me in my tracks. I could say I was hearing things but I choose to stick with it being a God wink. 

I wonder if it will always be this way. If it will ever get easier as him being present becomes more of him gone. It’s weird knowing every day that goes by is more of him not here. I don’t like it one bit. (But it does mean I am one more day closer to seeing him again). 

I decided to put down my phone because I didn’t want to feel the heaviness of that last paragraph I just wrote.

I went to stand and I turned to move back to get a better look of the sunset and when I did  I saw this beautiful rainbow that I was standing in the center of. I smiled so big. I know it was a big beautiful reminder. God painted that beautiful sky and that rainbow. It was a perfect reminder of His goodness and how much He loves me. 

I have had a lot of those moments this trip. For that I am grateful and so very blessed. I am finding goodness each day. Even on the very hard emotional days. 

PS if you are ever blessed enough to come to Hawaii, just know that the sun here is so different than it is in North Carolina. This is the sunburn that comes in swift and hot. I probably should’ve had my niece Megan come over and she could’ve told me all about the UV index.  She would’ve loved it.