God is enough. He never fails

Tonight I decided to go to dinner at a highly recommended Italian restaurant. I decided I would get dressed up and go eat Italian in memory of Michael.  

I thought this would be easier. But I was wrong. Sitting alone while all the happy couples and families are enjoying each others company is hard to watch. I mean that used to be Michael and I. 

I know this sounds so sad. In so many ways it is. But I am good I promise but it’s difficult trying to figure out who I am without Michael and how to navigate these times. It’s like life has stopped in some ways for me. But for everyone else life just goes on. It’s not like I am wearing a sign saying I am a widow. I lost part of my heart when Michael died and I know it will never recover. God will help bind it up and heal it but it will never be the same. Ever. 

Michael and I worked really hard at having a community of friends. And honestly we did a great job of that. I know there are a dozen or so of our closest friends that if I needed anything they would drop what they were doing and come running. I am so blessed because of that! But they all have their own lives just as our children do. But one thing I’ve learned through this is God has my back, He is my hiding place and He never fails me.  

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was thinking about how motivated I am when I am taking care of others. When all the kids were home it was like I had a driving purpose along with taking care of Michael. But when I am alone I feel like I am not as motivated. I heard a voice say in my dream: you have always been motivated. You just always used that motivation to focus on taking care of others. It’s time you use that motivation to focus on taking care of yourself. 

When I woke up i thought about my dream and what was said. I rarely am a selfish person. I do put others before myself and I struggle with putting myself first. I know there is a balance in that. I’m just not very good at it. 

This time away has been good for my soul in a lot of ways but I miss my kids. The statement, distance makes the heart grow fonder, well it’s certainly true. Even though they are all living their best lives on their own, the closeness of knowing I can get to them quickly brings me comfort. I know they are a big part of my life and who I am. But I also know that in this season, God is moving and working. And I don’t want to miss a thing He is wanting to do. I just really miss Michael but the Lord is so sustaining me.  I’m just really trying to figure out ALL God is wanting to do in this season.  

I was going through memories on Snapchat  ran across this picture of Michael. Reflecting on it, I imagine that’s how it must have felt when he crossed over into Heaven. This picture evoked a lot of emotions seeing him standing there looking out across the vast canyon with the river running its course while sun was resting on his face. The name of this mountain we were on was “Beauty Mountain”. It makes me want to print it and hang it on my bedroom wall.  And I probably will do that when I get home. 

I know I’m a broken record at times. But I feel so compelled to write my vulnerable emotions as I am walking this out and trying to find my place. I know that’s hard for some people to navigate my raw emotions. But I want to be real and authentic as I walk through this journey.  And maybe along the way it will encourage others who are walking through difficult seasons to press into Jesus and let Him be ALL they need. Because He is enough and He will never fail you. NEVER.