The Thin Line

The thin line of balancing hope mingled with a mustard seed of faith pushing through the darkness. This is what I felt. It was dark, it was full of fear nightmares are made of, and it was pushing to suffocate me squeezing me into unknown territory.

I have always seen the line, walked on it, walked around it, jumped on it, fell off it yet nothing prepared me for this line I would balance our future on.

 

The aftermath:

I can’t seem to fathom the whirlwind of our life for the last 10 months.  From the moment the words several masses came out of the ER residents mouth to the unknown future that was to come. I can’t say I jumped in having total faith of the outcome, or of hearing the words, Jesus is the great physician bringing me comfort. At this moment my life stood still wondering how I would balance this line of the unknown while trying to protect our children in the midst of this ensuing chaos our life was about to be forged down. This was the line that I felt had been crossed, and I was angry.

November 27, 2021

It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2021. A day that will be etched in my mind forever. My husband had been suffering from an odd pain since July. Thinking his request to go to the ER then was because he jumped off the top of the dock at the lake and maybe his ribs compressed after the jumping into the water. Yet everything was normal at the ER. He went to his PCP in August for a follow-up because we had been working since May to get his A1C down. His doctor was so pleased with his lab work and the fact he actually moved his A1c from 8.2 to 5.2. Yet for months after that appointment, he struggled with pain in his right shoulder blade continuously. Went to his family doctor, the chiropractor, and then to get a massage but nothing helped. Off and on in pain. The girls and I had a shopping trip planned to Myrtle leaving after Thanksgiving meal so I arranged for the boys and his dad to be with him for the weekend, Michael insisted we still go. We spend Friday afternoon shopping, me just enjoying time with these girls of mine. I checked on him off and on throughout the day and then that evening the boys and his dad made their way to the NC State football game. We said our goodnights not knowing the line was about to get very blurry.  I sent him a text Saturday morning I was eager to check on him and he answered me quickly. I looked at my watch and wondered how was he awake this early. I slipped out to the balcony to facetime him trying not to wake the girls and he answered after the 3^rd ring. I asked how he was feeling and my brain was trying to figure out why he had the phone so close to his face. As he was asking me what we had planned for the day, I realized I saw a mask below his chin. This man hates a mask so I knew immediately he was in the hospital. I asked him if he was in the hospital and he said, “don’t change the subject woman”. Just like my husband to make light of the situation. He told me how he couldn’t catch his breath and that he couldn’t yell for help. Papa was upstairs and Michael could hardly walk into the living room. He was finally able to get Papa’s attention and he called 911. He was taken by ambulance to the local hospital.  Michael said he didn’t want me to leave my trip that his pain was finally controlled and felt great. I said for him to call me back when the doctor comes in.  If I had known what was going to come out of her mouth I probably would have been sitting down. Here on speaker the resident physician with a very shaky voice began to say, Mr. Shaw I am sorry. You have multiple masses in your chest and several spots on your spine. It looks like cancer. After that I heard his dad gasp as a cry squeaked from lips just like the one I heard from him when he made it back downstairs after Yamme passed away. I could only imagine his face. I heard Michael speak Really? Almost in a disbelief. I stood still completely numb and quiet.  They talked about keeping him to do scans of his c-spine, t-spine, and l-spine but they had his pain controlled and figured he could go home and see his PCP on Monday. I cried like a baby trying to keep calm and quiet. My first phone call was to my mama and she got daddy on the phone. She sent me every scripture on healing, they began praying. I was on a prayer mission even though I was hours away. Wishing I was there with him but I knew I had to get myself together because we agreed the kids could not know until we had more information of what we were dealing with. I woke the girls, we packed and headed home. I told them just enough for them not to worry but I am sure my silence spoke volumes.  

At this point we were guarded in who we told but we both knew we needed some support to get through whatever we were suddenly thrown into.  I learned a long time ago, you do not throw pearls before swine and we needed to only gather those around us who would speak life and pray us through. We are blessed with a phenomenal support system.

November 29^th

We first went to see our friends Ty and Donna prior to our appointment. They welcomed us into their home early that morning and we cried and prayed. They held such precious space for us. But they helped us pray God’s hand in the middle of the unknown season we were smack dab in the middle of. We arrived to his doctor’s office as soon as they opened. We couldn’t see his regular PCP, Dr. Butler but we saw his PA Erica. Once we discussed what we had just learned two days prior she began her duty of researching and writing orders for Mri’s of his spine all the while trying to grab Dr. Butler from another room. We thought he had left but as God would ordain it he made time to see us. He was shocked when he walked in the room. While Erica was getting the orders together Dr. butler as always took his time to help us through the next several steps. Erica came in and knelt beside me handing me the orders.  With tears in my eyes I said, “This is really bad isn’t it” she wrapped her arms around me and she didn’t speak any words, I could see it in her eyes as she shook her head yes. I clung to Michaels hand while I laid my head against her shoulder. Trying to understand how this could be and how much I didn’t want it to be.

Michael remained calm and at peace despite his pain.  I know he was trying to stay strong for me as it was all I could do was cling to my mustard seed of faith and blindly trust. We worked tirelessly in keeping his pain under control but it was a challenge. Waking every 1-3 hours giving him pain medicine. We barely slept. Michael had to sleep elevated which meant we were on the couch more than in the bed. Our friends had a sleep number bed in their attic and came over in the afternoon to install it. Michael slept in the bed the first time in weeks. It was still a struggle but it was getting better.

December 2021

We shopped around to find the best price for the 3 MRI’s and ended up in Lumberton to have the cervical spine, lumbar spine and thoracic spine studies completed. It took two days to complete them. I clung to him during these days not letting him far from my sight. Sneaking in crying spells while he napped during the day and begging God to save my husband. I couldn’t imagine life without him and I didn’t want too. I refused too. God had given me my hearts desire in Him and I knew he was not a fickle God. So surely He would make a way out of this mess and hold up His end of the line in what we were facing. There were days the line was blurry and a lot of days it was thin. I was barely hanging on. 

Thank goodness for coworkers who are more like family that have connections. We had an appointment with the best pulmonogist in the business. We arrived at our appointment. Dr. Mehta took a look at the scans and then discussed the CT scans performed at the hospital. It was a quarter size mass in this left upper lobe with several lymph nodes impacted. The lung cancer had spread to almost every bone in his body. His spine, ribs, humerus, femur, shoulder blade, I was in shock. Dr. Mehta stated he would need to biopsy to determine what we were dealing with and needed to do it quickly. He gave us hope. He said that he is part of a local association for lung cancer and he has seen great results. He stated there were several options and that outcomes were amazing. Several survivors had been 18 plus years. He stated he would get with his scheduler to see when he could get us in but with it being Friday he wasn’t sure what he had open. He said he would call us. We started to get into the elevator pushed the button and I hear a lady call for us to wait that they could do the biopsy on Monday. There God's hand was again, slowly strengthen my line. 

On Sunday after our oldest sons engagement party, we gathered our kids and walked them through what we knew. We had to bring them in as he was scheduled to have a biopsy the next morning.  I am so blessed with the best adult children. They rallied around us with nothing but love and respect for their dad. It honestly brought us all so much closer, which I didn’t think was possible. They are pretty incredible already. 

 

My mind was full of one statement and one question: I know that God can do anything but will he do it for us?

 

I would not have chosen this path for us. After all I have faced in my 52 years, why this now? My life has been full of a lot of heartache and chaos mixed with a lot of love and great memories. Michael was my gift, my reward and here the mortality of his life and our family lay in the balance while trying to walk this thin line of faith. I wasn’t sure I could keep my family nor heart from falling around me.

Let’s be honest. How could a good loving God allow this be part of our future, why would He allow the beauty of our life together become so full of questions and doubt. Yet in the midst of it all I could feel God’s hand moving behind the scenes graciously opening doors and making a way for us to drive out the darkness.

Over the next couple of weeks was a biopsy, an oncology appointment, labs, and radiation appointments. The radiation physician had us on a 10 day trek to target the two worst places of concern, his shoulder blade and another which was pressing on his cspine into his brain stem. Dr. Sidd started him on a steroid and once radiation started his pain was finally easing up. We waited on Dr. Olajide to call us with the results to his blood test which would tell us if he had any mutated cancer cells. We meet with her again in January 2022 with news that he did in fact have nonsmall cell lung cancer (Adenocarcinoma) with mets to his bones however his lung cancer was mutated (EGFR) and there was a medication that would target the mutated cell. It was nonchemo and would be taken by mouth. His insurance would need to approve and they would be writing letters to gain approval.

He started on Tagrisso for the mutated cell in January. We received a grant for the co-pay which the Lord answered yet another prayer in that. This medicine is expensive and cost 15,000 a month without insurance and copay could have been 4,000 a month with insurance. But thankfully our grant will last until the end of year. He ended up with blood clots in both legs and started a blood thinner. It was pretty up and down for awhile.

April 2022

We took an amazing trip with our friends Trey & Tiffany on a large boat we rented the first week of April. Michael was determined to feel better enough to go. It was a trip full of firsts for us and we are looking forward to another trip like that in 2024. Our first cancer staging scans were later in April. Dr. Olajide said with her mouth the medicine is working and the cancer is going away. Michael says, "you could hear Melissa finally relax".  We went from monthly appointments with a bone strengthening infusion to every other month and now to quarterly. God is so so good.

September 2022

We go back in October for more restaging scans, labs, and bone infusion. Despite the line I felt like the enemy crossed, I know without a doubt God’s hand has been behind every single detail. The line that was crossed reminded me of the parable of the wheat and tares from Matthew 13. If you aren't familiar I encourage you to read it up. What the devil meant for evil, the Lord meant it for good.

We are so blessed with the best family and friends. The support we have received is amazing and I can't list everyone. I can tell you we have felt every one of the prayers. I want to say a special thank you to the following people who sacrificed their time and resources during one of the hardest times in our lives. Thank you to The Sawyer's, The Melvin's, The Dixon's, Sheri Hood and Cheryl Williams. Your crowns in heaven will be hard to hold on your heads. I love each of you. 

My husband is thriving, we haven't missed a lot of work and I can’t thank God enough. Our family is closer and my closest friends are like family. What a miracle I get to see with my very own eyes. I am walking through this completely balanced on a thicker line, stronger in my faith, and looking for God in every step of the way. Continuing to believe THE BEST IS YET TO COME...